Photo of the day – Nature is my happy

Today is a good day! The technology issues I’ve been battling over the last few weeks have been resolved with a £8.99 SD card reader, which connects to my iPad. We’re back in action.

Yesterday I took the kids for a wander around the grounds of Dinefwr Park. I could feel a lot of the stresses over the last week melt away. Not totally as was still constrained for being back in time for my carer to come and do food prep and sort my washing. Today my husband took half a day work from home, we all managed to escape for a while to go on a lovely walk, he was told about. I’m in a really good place now. I’m very grateful for all I have.

I know one day I’ll have enough funds to get my off road solution and indulge my love of landscape and nature photography. Indulge more in my happy place. For now I’ll share with yout the photos of the last two days.

Photo of the day – Turmoil

Today has been a hard day for me. I’m exhausted, in pain and dealing with the fact I’ve got a care agency back in, as a PA didn’t work out. I was in tears earlier. Full blown sobs. I felt like a washing machine of emotions. I heard the black dog baying. But I promised myself I wasn’t going to let depression sneak up on me. It’s not welcome back in my life. I’ve got too many things I would like to achieve. My daughter was having a tough day at sixth form and I was feeling guilty about not being able to let my son go to the gym, as I have to stay in for these carers. When I had to put fudge in the bin I well and truly screwed up I just cried. But I told the black out loud  that it wasn’t coming back and it go back to its kennel. After a few more tears I won. It’s back in its kennel. Tomorrow I’ll build it a stronger chain and it’s not coming back chasing my plot bunnies away.

This is the reason for my photo of the day. A pile of rope in turmoil.

Photo of the day – Snowdrops

Another photo, another day and another revisited poem. I saw the snowdrops in my garden a couple of days ago. Today has been the first day I have been ‘well’ enough to go down and photo them. Soggy grass and wheelchairs don’t work, had to wobble across. I love snowdrops, they are harbingers that warmer weather returns and the wheel is turning. The earth is waking up and life will soon be springing forth. If I close my eyes I can see where I first penned this poem, although I revised it back in 2007. I was working on a plant nursery, I was late teens. That day I wanted to be anywhere but there. I was sewing seeds and the idea came to me about this poem. It is nice to feel how far I have come from those turbulent teen years to now. Another poem provoking a memory to remind me how much I love the woman I now am, wheelchair or not.

Where Snowdrops Sleep

Walking through a woodland glade,
On a hazy summers day.
Unaware beneath your feet
Is where snowdrops sleep.

As Autumn leaves begin to fall
From the trees, onto the ground beneath
This is an early wake up call
To awaken snowdrops from there sleep.

Winter’s here you sleepy things,
Pop up and taste the air
Up to brave the winter you go
Come on snowdrops, its nearly time to sing.

In late winter, early spring
They realise it is time to sing.
Upwards towards the cloudy sky
No longer do snowdrops sleep

Time to sing and shine
The snowdrops catch your eye
Pure white against the blackest sky
Snowdrops neither bold nor shy

Now warmer sun has come,
Their show is done
So under you go down beneath
Where snowdrops sleep

© Kristina Jackson 2007

Photo of the day – Young old Woman

This appeared in my Facebook memories. Thought I’d share what I wrote. This is as applicable now as back then. The only difference is I’m learning to love myself and believe in myself more.

Young-old woman

I look in the mirror,
What do I see?
A young-old woman,
Looking back at me.

Echoes of her hopes,
Shadows of her fears.
Lines from a smile,
Tracks from her tears.

Seeing dreams that were lost,
Ambitions still to be gained.
Pains that have been suffered,
Joys that have been obtained.

With laughter in her throat,
Curses on her voice.
She’s a mother, a lover
Happy or sad, its her choice

With life still ahead of her,
And her past behind her.
This young-old woman
Looks back out at me.

©Kristina Jackson 2014

Photo of the day – Never too old.

Ever since I was 8 or 9, I wanted to be an author. Although I’ve got a novel and a collection of short stories to my name, I’ve always felt my lack of true understanding of grammar and punctuation have held me back. We will gloss over the trolls, the grammar fiends who’ve actively taken a hatchet to me because of my failure. I don’t hold a-levels. I don’t hold a degree. I hold no qualifications higher than a national diploma.

Over the years I’ve fought hard to improve myself. This book is the next step in that. Before Christmas my friend and future publisher died. She believed in me despite my hazy grasp of the technical aspects of writing. I’m not necessarily going to find another publisher who will see through the errors, enough to take it forward to edit. If I chose to self publish then the more I can improve myself, the more likely I am to be able to afford an editor.

My photo of the day is very much in keeping with you’re never too old to improve yourself.

Photo of the day – Movement

I find the frustration of using a wheelchair sometimes more pain than words can express. Especially when you want to climb places to get a better photo or move to an area that’s off the beaten track. However sometimes a wheelchair is an benefit. Coming back from the cliff path into the car park, I spotted this cat. I managed to get a few shots of it, as it progressed its way along the wall. But this one stood out for me.

I need to learn to take photographs from a wheelchair perspective and stop stressing they’re not from a upright persons perspective.

Photo of the – The Robin

I wanted to post this yesterday. But those demons of self doubt were having a party and everyone else was shut out. But this morning I decided to put on my big girls pants and kick them back out. The black dog is not welcome back! These pesky critters are usually the ones that try and open the door for it. Okay, just don’t question what goes on in my mind. <grin>

Something was niggling me about the significance of The Robin, as such I decided to do some research. It appears not only (as I’d remembered) they are said to be a sign a deceased loved one is near, but also is said to be the spring bird, a sign spring is on its way. It also has the meaning of rebirth, renewal a symbol of new starts and hope. Considering the reason I did not post this yesterday, was I doubted my photography would ever be good enough. I doubted I had a natural eye. I doubted I could ever be a ‘professional’ photographer.

I feel this bird is saying to me don’t give up on your dreams, don’t give up on hope. You can do this. The path is a long one. Reminding me life is journey not a destination. I took this whilst trundling along the cliff path in my wheelchair. I would not have spotted him had I been standing up. On with this journey of mine! A camera, a wheelchair and me.

Photo of the day – Success

I was going to do a separate blog post about success, after discussing it with my daughter on the way to school this morning. She is a typical teenager, full of angst of what the world is going offer. I started off with telling her success is not an absolute. There is no right or wrong on what success is. Success is something that forever evolves and can only be shaped by you. Success may mean different things to different people. What is one persons version of success, is another persons worst nightmare. I explained to her that we have to be careful of not being pressured into a society version of success, if this version of success doesn’t sit right with us. If we forever compare ourselves to others, we end up in a situation where we start to doubt ourselves and our achievements. As long as we work hard towards what it is *we* want to achieve, then that is success. I am rambling…

I explained that I have varying stages of what I gauge success by. For example my writing: If someone choses to buy a book, that is success. That means that person is willing to take a chance on an unknown author. If I have a positive review left, that is another measure of success. That means someone has enjoyed the words I have torn from my soul. I have other measures of success that I have yet to achieve. I don’t expect to achieve those with only two books to my name! I need to work more at it!

My blog; if you’re reading this post and you’ve considered good enough to like, whether here or on facebook, then that too is a success. If my stats show people are visiting my blog, that is a success.

I post a photo on instagram, people like that photo, that is success.

I could continue giving examples for a good while yet, but none of that relates to my picture of the day. In the constant battle of totally banishing the black dog of depression, from my life, I look to what I can achieve in a day. Some days these goals are small, make a coffee, write a blog post. Some days they are more involved.  Today I achieved making this lovely heart. Pattern by Lucy at Attic 24. This is one successful thing I have done today.

If you feel you are failing, or scared you’ll never achieve ‘success’, then stop. You’re breathing; thats a success. You’re reading; thats a success. Start with the small and work up. When you grow stronger your idea of success may change. But most of all when deciding what success is to you, try and make it something that makes you happy. Try not to drive to a situation where you feel you need to achieve more and more to continue to be successful, remember your small goals as you go.

I have waffled on long enough for today. I just felt compiled to share this with you, as well as my daughter.

Photo of the day – Challenges

It has already been a fairly tempestuous start to 2018. Squabbles within the family, me feeling frustrated and trying to get back into the rhythm of school runs again. However I’m moving through it and not becoming bogged down by it. Life is full of challenges it’s up to us how we meet them.

I’ved used a photo of my aircast boots to demonstrate this. 2016 when they first came into my life, there we so many changes my life literally felt like it was spiralling out of control. I ended up going into a pit of darkness. I gave up on them after a few months, but the depression remained.

Beginning of last year I managed to start beating depression and moving on. Even If i can sometimes hear the black dog growl, it isn’t welcome back! When I was told I’d needed these again later end of last year, I feared returning to the dark place, so I decided to meet the challenge of them head on. I am doing far better because of it! Sometimes it is best to meet challenges head on rather than hide from them.

As her awareness grew …

Someone tagged me in a post, on Instagram. This was the message; it truly spoke to my soul. I know this year is going to bring me several challenges as my mobility fades and I have to become that 24/7 wheelchair user. I will hold this close to my heart as I move forward.